From the diary of a pre – school teacher- My 5 year old students are just learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said… “Look it’s a frickin’elephant!
I took a deep breath, and then asked “what did you call it?” “It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture”! And so it does………..
AFRICAN ELEPHANT
Brenda and Steve took their 6 year old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about the size of his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee Mum, for me?” he exclaimed.
“Just take two,” Brenda replied.”The rest is for your father”
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The mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried that she might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that today’s teenagers were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing-she reached over and hugged her mother, saying,
“Oh mum, you don’t have to worry about that-! I’m dating Susan!”
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Work!
I don’t mind coming to work- but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit.
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Five best things to say if you get caught asleep at your desk…..
5. They told me at the blood bank this might happen
4. This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about at that time management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! I guess I left off the top of the white–out, you probably got here just in time.
2. Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear real close.
1. Raise your head slowly and say-“in God’s name, Amen.”
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Blondes.
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night – It was her turn, and she landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was “If you are in a vacuum, and someone calls your name – Can you hear it?”
The blonde thought for a time, then asked – “Is it on or off?”
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes, and how blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that she is really smart.
While he’s off at work, she decides to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, after he leaves for work, she gets right down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at five thirty and smells the distinctive smell of paint throughout the house. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat…He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she’s O.K. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she says she wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to paint the house... He then asks her why she’s wearing a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
You’ll love this...
“For best results, put on two coats”
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Sex, Lies, and other funnies.
A man and his wife were working in the garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says
“Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque grill” With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.
“Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque grill”!
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage!”
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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a dammed fine sermon. Dammed good”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity”
The man said, “I was so dammed impressed by that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate”
The preacher said “No shit!”
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Son asks his mother the following question:
“Mum, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and says
“Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure”
The son thanks his mum, and goes off to double check this with his dad
“Dad, why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise, and says
“Son, all household appliances come in white.”
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The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.
The war weary Marine asked”Ma,am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat”
The marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
“Please Ma, am.May I sit down? I’m very tired”
She snorted “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog and tossed it from the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window”
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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work, and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
“Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients” “Yes sir!” answers Murphy...
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks “So, Murphy, how was your day?”
Murphy told him he’d taken care of three patients;
“The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol”
“Bravo, Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did, sir” says Murphy.
“Bravo, Bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one”? Asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman burst in, so she does. Like a bolt out of the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking everything off including her bra and panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts
“Help me, for the love of St.Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Tundering lard, Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.
‘I put drops in her eyes!”
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Free Willy
A man goes to hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his willy. According to the attending nurse, his girlfriend found the ring in his back pocket, and she got so mad, that she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring over his willy while he was asleep.
I don’t know what’s worse;
1. Having your girlfriend find out your married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willy.
3. Or finding out your willy fits your wedding ring…
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Finally...the best of He said to me…
He said to me “I don’t know why you wear a bra; - you’ve got nothing to put in it”.
I said to him “You wear pants don’t you?”
He said to me “What have you being doing with all that grocery money I gave you?”
I said to him “Turn sideways, and look in the mirror”
He said to me” What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?”
I said to him “A widow”
He said to me “Why are married women heavier than single women?”
I said to him “Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge”
To those of you who are lucky enough to have to visit God's Own Country on business now and then, this is a useful guide. There's a prize for anyone who can name the boozer featured in the clip.
WARNING: This contains some bad language, please do not open if you are offended by such.
p.s. Now that I’m older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience...Turns out I just don’t give a shit...
