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My friend stood up with her sons and spoke about the life they had shared, happier times, their pride in their son’s achievements and the friends and family who had always supported and loved them.
His sister spoke about this recent period in his life when he couldn’t sleep and his “mashed potato” head wouldn’t let him think straight. She asked us not to let this time overshadow the wonderful family man that he had been for the other 23 years of his marriage when he was a truly hands on Dad and a loving husband, she asked us not to judge her beloved older brother. You would think that would not need to be said but we were angry with him for putting his wife and boys through this terrible time and her words gave perspective to this man that we all liked, loved and had good times with.
The photos of him with his family on the screen in the chapel showed the man we all new, photos of their wedding, so young and happy, childhood sweethearts whose fairy tale had lasted longer than most. Overjoyed at the birth of their first son, then a little overwhelmed at the birth of their twin sons. He was involved in everything they did, their sport, their music their lives. He had good mates, he played footy and surfed and went to the pub. His best friends spoke of a man that was fun, a larrikin and always there to lend a hand. As a family they had a huge social network of friends and extended family, their home was a happy and welcoming place to be.
What is this depression that caused him to withdraw from his family, to drink to excess, not a good example with 3 teenage boys and something that his wife was not willing to stand for. How can you understand depression when you have never been there, I know I can’t. Their marriage was under stress though they were trying to work things out, his wife knew he was suffering from depression and had tried to help and now blames herself for not realising how bad it was for him. How, she wonders, will she get her boys through this. There is a long struggle ahead.
His sister said, ”it is no-ones fault, not even his own, we gave him all the help he allowed us to give him”
His funeral was attended by hundreds of people, testament to his standing in the community and the caring and support that he could have relied on to get him through this dark period of his life if only he had been able to reach out for help.
“Every man, roughly between ages forty and sixty, begins to notice both physical and psychological changes. Some adapt to the changes reasonably well, and accept them as part of aging. Others find the changes very distressing.
Midlife can be a very challenging time for a man. What they thought they knew, they no longer know. What they thought was important no longer seems to be. It can be a tumultuous and confusing time!”
An alarming number of men are choosing death as a solution to crises in their lives. These are husbands, sons, brothers and fathers, but the depression that can lead to suicide is often preventable and always treatable. So if the men in your life are feeling down or know someone who is showing signs of depression, talk about it and seek help from a GP or other health professional. If you need help immediately, phone Lifeline - 13 11 14.
My friend said “tell the people that you love that you love them, say it out loud, they need to hear it and know that it is true”
By Robyn Koller
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